Sometimes, I just can’t sleep. And it sucks. I think about everything, dwelling on anything that passes through my mind.
Lately I’ve been increasingly losing that barrier which everybody creates in their mind. I call it the justification barrier. It stops us losing our minds. The justification barrier is there to stop us ever realising how terrible we are. It boosts our self esteem, it whispers that we’re not that bad really, that there are worse people. It speaks of our morals and how we can bend them around to our will. A justification barrier stops us seeing how every tiny little thing we do is hurting someone somewhere. It lets us do what we want without suffering constantly from guilt and anxiety. It uses logic in ways it was never meant to be used, it creates grey areas in black and white situations. It explains away thoughtless actions, it makes everything NOT OUR FAULT.
Living without it is terrifying. I am constantly racked by guilt, but I can’t seem to stop behaving badly. I feel every minuscule consequence of my actions, and we all know I have seriously poor judgement at times.
But at the same time, living without the justification barrier can be incredibly freeing. It’s a strange feeling to be able to say, “I don’t know why I did that terrible thing, I just did it without thought or logic.” Most of what we do is justified after it’s done, not before. Our actual behaviour is 60% random chance and 40% situation. It’s a feeling of being totally out of control yet more behind the wheel then ever before. It’s living in the truth instead of fooling yourself about who and what you are. It’s riding that bike with no handlebars, hurtling downhill in the dark with no lights to guide your way, it’s whooping with the sheer joy of feeling life to the full.
But just sometimes at night, the guilt and fear and anxiety catches up with me.
Apologising for the weird post, Debbimouse is over and out.