The confessions of a broken hearted slut

Sorry internet, this is going to be a very uninteresting and depressing post.

 

Sigh. Well what can I say?

I feel like my heart is breaking in half. I have made so many bad choices when it comes to relationships. There is no big dramatic story, just a whole pile of idiocy. I’m just yet another idiot who lost her virginity too young to the wrong guy for the wrong reasons, then lost her head and her morals and slept with anyone who stuck around for a month and called her beautiful. I feel so stupid. I have cried so many tears over guys not worth the air they breathe, because I let them in too far and too fast. And where has it got me?

Too afraid to trust the person that might be worth the extra mile. I’m stupid in relationships I know and I say stupid things and take them back, but let this be here immortalised in the internet. Jonathan is one special, special guy. He has been whatever I needed of him. When I needed a friend, he was always always there for me. And when I came to my senses and stopped dating players, drama queens and sluts and fell into his arms he pulled me in and made my world full of light when the darkness consumed me. He has been there for me thick and thin, always apologises and tries to compromise, and supports me even when he doesn’t understand me.

Yet, I still can’t bring myself to trust him. I push him so hard, demanding so much and giving so little in return and I burn up with guilt about it. But I can’t trust him. Jonathan is so kind, so gentle with me. Quick to accept rebuke and eager to make up any slight issue he creates. I want to trust him. I want to make everything of me belong to him. Yet, I can’t be honest with him. Whenever I close my eyes, he becomes interchangeable, utterly replaceable, identical to every twat since the beginning of time. I convince myself it’s okay to not treat him right as he’ll leave me by the end of the summer if not Christmas at the latest. It makes me hysterical, but I tell myself it’ll be okay as long as I see it coming. I don’t let myself fall into what we could have. I am prickly, impossible to please, even cruel at times. Anything to keep him at arms length. I make cruel jokes to stop myself admitting how deeply I feel for him. I put him down, make him feel shit, because I feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t want to be alone. But here internet is the truth.

I love him. I love how sarcastic he is, I love how he just GETS me, I love how he listens so intently and remembers the things I say, even when it’s not important. I love how he’s cleverer than me, and more competent and good at stuff. I love how middle class he is, and how normal and how unique he is. I love how he can cry in front of me and tell me things he barely admits to himself. I love how he can read me like a book, because we’re nearly always on the same page, and how observant and intuitive he is. I love how he holds me close and stares at me like I’m something special and perfect and whispers in my ear when he thinks no one’s looking and kisses my shoulder, hiding behind my hair.

But what I don’t love? I don’t love when he’s away from me. Every second I miss his touch, his hand holding mine. I don’t love how he doesn’t always know what to say to me, and how he gets confused if he can’t hold me and know what’s wrong. I don’t love when we fight because I’ve been a stupid ass but am too proud to admit it… I don’t love hearing the suppressed anger in his voice when he tells me he’s fine and I should just forget about it, I don’t love when his face goes hard and unreadable. I don’t love when he doesn’t ask important questions, or the right questions or try to find out the things he needs to know. I don’t love when he talks about other girls as if they are sex objects, and I can’t help wondering if I am the same plastic emptiness to him. I don’t love when he doesn’t understand how much his insensitivity hurts and when I was being totally serious and I don’t love how he just stays silent if he disagrees with me. I don’t love feeling replaceable.

He would never ever do anything intentionally to hurt me. I’m just such a complicated person and its so easy to think you’ve memorised the map when suddenly a strange wind blows and suddenly you’re ten miles up shit creek and the paddle you try to use to escape turns into a hungry 10ft long python.

I wish I could talk to him without feeling scared.

I wish I could trust him not to leave me.

I wish I could trust myself not to leave him.

 

Because at the end of the day? We never fight about anything he’s done wrong, as he never does anything worth fighting over. It’s always me in the wrong- I’m the one not half way good enough for him. (He will argue passionately otherwise, bless his heart.) But I’m the one not putting all my effort in, not trusting the other, not being honest. I’m the one that lets everything build up into a shitstorm in my head and cause unnecessary trouble.

I don’t even trust myself to stay faithful to him.

Because I’m just another broken hearted slut, lost far from home and following the marsh lights down the boggy pits. Nothing is real and everything is. I don’t know if what I feel is real, or if what I want will change or if this is all just a dream. Today I will swear blind that I want to marry him some day, that I will always belong to him, but who knows what tomorrow brings?

And I don’t trust anyone any more. It only ever brought me trouble. I don’t understand people and they don’t understand me. I’m an alien here, I don’t belong.

 

Debbimouse, over and out.

 

Partly inspired by the movie “Easy A” (brilliant film, everyone should watch)

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2 thoughts on “The confessions of a broken hearted slut

  1. MichB says:

    You’re not alone in this, I fear. My story’s a little different – grew up the good girl, the dutiful eldest daughter, a tomboy who was not especially attractive or interested in being so. Boys weren’t interested in me for a long time, and these days even if I get an offer I’m stubborn enough not to waste either of our time on a whim if they don’t make the grade. I’ve never shared a kiss, I’ve never had sex, and I’ve never had a long term relationship. Unless most of my generation, I don’t believe this to be a loss or that it makes me a second class citizen.

    But still I have this same gut response that you’re talking about. Recently I went out on a “should we date?” date with a guy I’ve known for 3 years. He’s a close friend, I like him, I trust him, I know him really well, but as soon as a relationship was on the table all my guards came up. I felt less like we were on a date and more like I was internally vetting him. This isn’t based on any bad experience I’ve had, because I’ve never had any, but still I felt like I had to be constantly on my guard incase he ‘turned on me’ somehow, Why would I tink this? He’s never pressured me before, never been anything other than a gentleman, but somehow all the bad relationships I’d ever heard of, all the cases of abuse, all the divorces, stuck their heads in.
    I know it’s just my brain doing risk assesments, and we all have these thoughts to work through, but how sad it is nonetheless.

    • It is sad, i know exactly how you feel. I never used do this internal vetting, i threw myself at anyone. But now i even vet my closest friends on how much i can trust them, what i can say to them. It’s heart breaking and i hate it yet i can’t let go :/

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