It was a train.

Yesterday I said that maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I had an appointment with my consultant. It was the beginning of the end of this miserable existence of pain and half living. That is what I thought. That is what I believed.

I was wrong.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel never ends. What I thought was a light was a train, come to knock me down a deep, black pit with greased sides. There is nothing for me, no hope, no future, no cure. I am nothing but this, this crippled useless hulk. Held back by a body that doesn’t work half right and is constantly falling apart. I’m falling apart. I feel shattered and broken and numb. All of my hopes and dreams were riding on this and in a twenty minute appointment and kindly doctor who wished he could help me smashed everything into tiny pieces.

How can I ever live my dreams? How can I ever write when I will never be well enough to attend university? How will I ever travel when I have to get a new drug prescription every three weeks from my GP? How can I ever act when I can barely walk?  I already knew I would never dance again, but this brings that knowledge back to me again and again and again. Never again will I fly with the music, as graceful as a swan. Never again will I will beautiful and powerful and strong and elegant as I glide through the movements of a dance. Never again will I be able to push myself to the limit in a new class. How can I still be breathing when I know I will never truly live?

What is left for me? Every day, I sit at home, useless and unhappy. I cannot live out my potential. I cannot live out a life worth having.

My broken hip cripples me in ways you cannot possibly imagine. I cannot walk up stairs properly, I cannot climb hills like I used to love to do, I cannot sit on the floor, I cannot bend down to pick things up, I cannot sleep on anything but the most comfortable surface, I cannot be a lover when sex hurts my hip after just a few minutes. I cannot walk very far, I have to use a stick whenever I leave the house, I have to spend every day uncomfortable and in pain and putting up with being a goddamn burden on everyone else. I have to live with people staring at me everywhere I go. I have to answer the same goddamn stupid question every day.

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold on to. I have no future ahead of me. No plans. Nothing of any consequence. I shall live and die unfulfilled and lonely. I have to live with the knowledge that I am ruining the lives of everyone around me. I have to be a leech on society, adding nothing to the greater good. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give. Just this.

My father was right. The only choice of a cripple with no hope for a future is to crawl into an incinerator and kill myself.

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3 thoughts on “It was a train.

  1. annonymousgirl says:

    Never give up hope. I have been disabled all my life, been prodded and poked since i was born. i know what you mean when you say that you get depressed and feel hopeless and like you’re a nuisance to everyone, but you dont realise how many people are willing to help you and support you.
    You may think your dreams are impossible to reach, but believe me it can be done.
    – There are gradually more and more actors who are disabled, and they’re always looking for more,
    – They can sort out special timetables and part time courses so you can go to University.
    You can be whoever and whatever you want to be, and people with disabilities are getting more chances to achieve their dreams, you just have to find help in the right places. You have to be willing to ask for help, even if you’re embarrassed, because so many people are happy to help you, even if you dont realise it.
    People see me around one day and I look fine, the next i am in crippling pain having to use a wheelchair. People think I’m faking it of trying to cheat the system becaus ehtey dont have to go through the pain.
    Sex isn’t everything. there are other things you can do instead, you just have to explain to the person, and if they truly love you they will accept it.
    I believe in you and your dreams, even if right now you dont. Your father is wrong, so incredibly wrong. You have so much to live for, even if you cant see it. It’s okay to be depressed, but at some point you will realise that you just have to get on with it and ‘smile’ through the pain when people ask ‘what have you done?’.
    Learn to adapt
    Learn to live
    Learn to be happy.
    I’m sorry if you feel i am wasting your time or that I’m being pushy, but i just want to let you know that I care, even if you think no one else does. Things for you will get better, just dont give up.

  2. Rosa says:

    …Don’t feel like that. Father’s aren’t often right.

  3. MichB says:

    You probably don’t want to hear this yet, and I won’t be a suck-up and tell you “It’s all gonna be ok, I understand, etc”. Obviously I don’t.

    Your future is not over. Just your plan. I appreciate that the difference is very subtle.
    No, maybe you won’t be a dancer, or walk up a hill, or those other things you wanted or expected to do. You’ll do something else. I don’t know what, neither do you yet because it probably hadn’t crossed your mind before; you never had to consider it. A person doesn’t have value just because they can do for someone else (Do you love your friends only because of what they do for you? Of course not.) nor just because they have functioning limbs. That’s nothing unique or rare. You don’t need a high IQ or strong principles to walk up a hill.
    At any rate, your writing seems to be very heart-felt and articulate…

    I’m sorry your plan didn’t work out. You’re going to have to go off-map with this one, and probably there isn’t anyone that can give you directions. There are no maps where you’re heading now, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any land out there.

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