So much has happened since my last post. So much has got better, and so much has got worse. I got benefits, and having money makes life so much easier, I got a volunteer job that makes me happy and I got counselling with this totally fantastic woman who helps me more with every session. Yet also, so much has got worse. I lost my Jonathan, not that I have the right to call him that any more. I’ve started smoking more and more, a habit I always promised myself I would never succumb to, and I’ve been drinking far too much. My mother told me tonight that my suicide attempts are ruining her life, I feel like a stranger in my own skin and hate my self utterly, to the very core, yet at the same time feel so much more alive and well than I have for a very very long time. Last night I was genuinely utterly happy and smiling in a way I haven’t in months.
My relationship ended because I was just as stupid as I feared I was in my last few posts. I broke his heart and mine, and messed the whole thing up. Our break up was messy and painful and I’m still barely coping with it over a week later. I still cry every day, every night. I send him stupid texts which I instantly regret. I begged him not to leave, I begged him to reconsider, I begged him to take me back. But all the shit I threw his way hardened his heart and it’s no more than I deserve but to be lonely and heart broken. I haven’t known heartache like this for over a year when I alienated my lover as well as my closest female friend within months of each other. Jon was my closest friend, my lover, my boyfriend and all my hopes for a happy future. Rebuilding myself from the ashes has been a harrowing experience.
I fought with my mother today. Badly. Several times. I love my mother, she is my role model in all things, but today she yelled and swore at me and made me feel like the most worthless being breathing. She’s so stressed at the moment, and I am such a disappointment to her that her resentment spills out like poison and cuts me up. She wants so much of me and for me and I cannot live up to those expectations.
BUT. I had an amazing party last night, which was a lot of fun and really deserves a post of its own and will be referenced in my upcoming post on my nudist experiences (no photos sorry lads). I have friends who love me and do their best to support me for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I could get a new boyfriend any time I wanted, (which I really really don’t- if I can’t have Jon I’d rather be alone), or I could even enjoy friends with benefits who would keep me safe and secure. I’ve done loads of retail therapy buying clothes and Christmas presents and a wonderful pair of boots I’ve wanted for months.
My life isn’t all bad. It may feel that way, but I can keep my chin above the water. Though fuck, even that phrase reminds me of Jon; he used to have this funny little habit to tell me to keep my chin up at inappropriate moments. Back when we were just friends, I’d confess my latest woeful boy drama which was utterly brought on myself and hysterically funny and Jonathan would mock me and tap under his chin as a sarcastic way of telling me to keep my chin up. I would of course then attempt to gently beat him and the whole situation would turn into a giant poke war/tickle fight/spanking match/some other form of rough horseplay. I miss those days with him, those moments, that closeness so much it makes it hard to breathe. I’d go to the ends of the earth to bring THAT Jon back.
Feeling utterly confused and worn out, dying for a drink or a fag with a bazillion emotions flying around my brain, this is Debbimouse, over and out.
p.s. several new ‘proper’ posts are coming soon, of the feminist/comedic manner! x