Addition, subtraction and equations.

Have you ever read Additon by Toni Jordan? It’s not very well written but the character came alive for me in so many ways because I often feel like her. The woman in it (Grace) suffers from a form of OCD that entails her counting everything right down to the number of bristles in her toothbrush. When she gets upset she counts and she feels like her world will end if she stops counting. The story in a nutshell, she dates a lovely irish guy who persuades her to try therapy and drugs and to stop counting. She loses everything. She leaves him and starts again, stops treating her counting like a curse and works it into a part of her life in a positive way.
I wish I counted. At least that would be a coping mechanism. The mechanisms I have tried to date include; self mutilation, drinking, smoking, sleeping, sleep deprivation, comfort eating, starving myself, working constantly, doing nothing, writing, painting, singing, dancing, gratuitous sex and just about everything else. But nothing seems to fill the hole. My life is a depressive spiral around this huge hole somewhere below my ribs that ACHES all the time. It’s been worse lately. I decided to go to uni, I start in 14 days. It doesn’t sound like a huge step but for me?
My anxiety dragged me down a year and a half ago. I dropped out of my exams and sank into a hole. The few times I emerged the world abused me to the extent my hole pretty much reached the earths core. There was weeks I didn’t leave the house, days on end I never saw light. I kept to my bed and my room and my depression and pain ate away at me like a poison. I’ve been getting better. I had a bad patch last October as I’m sure I’ve mentioned previously. But I’ve been working these past three months. Paying bills, doing the groceries. Behaving like a functioning member of society. I even managed to half my medications.
My anxiety is creeping up on me. Going 300 miles away to live woth strangers? To study again? To have deadlines and lectures and essays? What the hell was I thinking? How could someone like me cope? Someone who still can’t get over her fathers abandonment, 15 years on? Someone who doesn’t sleep at night for fear of the things I see in dreams? Me, who can’t get through a single day without the little white pills without screaming and crying and shaking. Me, who can’t even make a doctors appointment over the phone without having someone to hold her hand.
What is wrong with me?
My therapist is trying to help me unravel it, help me understand myself. Why I have to have either total control or none at all. Why I am incapable of looking after myself. Why I constantly crave company but abuse everyone close to me. My obsession and fear of sex. I don’t have the answers. Maybe it’s my repressive religious upbringing. Maybe it’s my father’s mistreatment of me. Maybe it’s the men who have forced themselves upon me against my will.
Or maybe, just maybe Toni Jordan was onto something.
My biggest problem is the fixed idea in my head that there is something wrong with me. I am constantly told this by everyone. You need therapy, you need drugs, you’re too fat, you’re too thin, you’re too quiet, you’re too loud. Maybe my bordering on psychopathic need to please is the biggest problem. What’s wrong with the way I am underneath all your expectations and therapy and mind numbing drugs? I don’t even know anymore because it’s all I know. What if with a little subtraction of your bullshit rules and a little addition of personal realisation we could make an equation that works for everyone?
Debbimouse, over and out.

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One thought on “Addition, subtraction and equations.

  1. Gruntilda says:

    Going to uni is an incredibly huge step! Especially when you’re moving somewhere far away and don’t know anybody. But don’t panic, you won’t be the only one, in fact lots of people will be feeling the exact same way. So approach it like a challenge, make a lasting impression and don’t hold back. Think of it as a fresh start. And you’ll be learning about something you love and you’ll excel in it. It will be difficult but don’t be afraid. So go on out there, work hard, have fun, do something crazy and show them who YOU are.

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