It’s not me

It’s been far too long since I’ve been on this site and I aim to rectify this in the coming weeks.
But this post I’m afraid will be something of a downer. Those looking forward to life guru/naked baking/crazy feminist posts will have to wait.
Lately I have been struggling increasingly with my depression. Every day I fight an internal battle for my sanity. I fight to get up in the morning, I fight to allow myself to eat, I fight to interact with people and I fight to sleep at the end of the day.
And I’m losing.
I’m losing.
I’ve been pushing everyone away. I don’t know how to communicate with people anymore without burdening them with the weight I carry. Nothing seems right at the moment. I let conversations fall short. I stay inside and lose myself in a book, unable to face reality. I turn all of my pain and hurt and fear inside.
I feel like I’m dying.
But I’m writing this post not just to release some of my burden, but also as a message. Anyone out there who knows someone with depression, this is for you.
You don’t know how they feel. It is a private battle, different for everyone. And you can’t fix them. You can’t save them. All you can do is give them hope. A little hope to get them through. Send a text saying “have a good Tuesday!” for no reason at all. Hug them, bake them cakes. Don’t nag them or try and drag them out when they can’t face the world and don’t take it personally if they avoid you. Try to be patient, they’ll come back to you in time. People with depression both have so much love to give and so little, at the same time. Treasure anything they do for you and try to understand the effort it cost them. Have compassion. Never offer advice. Listen and show them your heart is open.
That’s what we need.
What I need.
Depression makes you feel horribly alone and makes us act selfishly. We fight to be ourselves but it’s like all of the goodness in us is slowly being sucked down a drain. It’s exhausting.
I need a holiday from being me.
Debbimouse, over and out.


Confessions of a broken hearted slut (poetry edition)

This post is gonna be a little different to my usual stuff. The other night I was thinking about broken hearted slut stuff and decided to write a blog post to get it off my chest. However the result was more like poetry than prose. So while I’ll post it here today, it more likely belongs on my booksie site (look me up- username: honeybee lilico)

Lying awake, alone, again tonight.
’cause you were on my mind.
I’m missing you again tonight,
Wishing I had been more kind.
Wishing I’d had the foresight,
To be a nicer girl.
Instead of loving every minute with you,
I let unpleasant things unfurl.
Wishing I could just call you up,
And apologise one last time.
Wishing I could hear you say “I love you”,
Rather than just echoes in my mind.

I’m lying awake in tears tonight,
It’s quite a regular thing.
The pain in my chest grows strong tonight,
The scars of our brief fling.
Clutching at my necklace,
I’m feeling rather reckless.
But I know it’s best,
To let this rest;
Even when the current state,
Does little to make my pain abate.
And instead I am left to cringe.

I’ll keep lying awake, alone at night,
Maybe to my dying day.
You’ll stay on my lovesick mind tonight,
As if that first kiss was yesterday.
By my recollection,
That first kiss was perfection,
And I don’t want it ever to die.

If I had a choice of beds tonight,
It would be yours that I’d choose.
A chance to try and make it right,
That argument I’ll always lose.
I won’t accept that it’s impossible,
Whilst I know you don’t really try.
I am heavy with the memories lost to us,
Full of endless tears to cry.

Lying awake, alone tonight,
I really should have known.
I don’t want a single word from you,
Not a tear, not a breath, not a groan.
For I know you loved me too.
It’s the thought that gets me through tonight,
When my mind begins to fade.

I’ll leave you alone tonight,
And every day until forever.
You didn’t want this crazy girl,
Who thought herself far too clever.
So I’ll try and grant that heart breaking wish,
And build myself a wall.
Between me and you.
I don’t doubt you’ll build one too.
Brick by brick,
Until there’s nothing left for the two of us,
But my broken heart,
Shattered in the dust,
Lying next to all my memories of you.

Debbimouse, over and out.