All day today that song “Payphone” has been stuck in my head. You know it- ‘I’m at a payphone trying to go home all of my change I’ve spent on you where did the time go baby I’m so cold where are the plans we made for two’ etc. It’s a depressing song, but it also really speaks to me.
It’s how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve had this aching wish and longing to go somewhere I feel at home, but I’ve never found it. It’s why I’ve tangled myself in a stream of bad relationships. I’ve been looking for something safe and comforting, something like a home. I keep paying out every part of me, giving out my time and compassion, my friendship, my love, my body amd whatever else I have to give to those who need it. But it’s never enough. I keep giving and giving but nothing ever seems to fill this hole I have inside. I feel like an emotional wormhole. Nothing sticks, nothing is ever enough. I have faced all kinds of horrors, all kinds of trials. I have been heartbroken, beaten, raped, homeless, penniless, cast adrift and every kind of lost and hurt and broken. I stand in this storm and sometimes it feels like it will never end. This song line resonates with me ‘all these fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I’ll be sick’. That’s how I feel tonight. Today. For a while now.
I need to start writing again. Not just this blog, but also on my poetry site. I need to finish my short stories. I need to paint my pain. I need to sing and dance again. Because lately I’ve been letting myself stagnate into a pit of misery and inaction. I need to reclaim my self, my soul, my heart.
It’s time to stop paying out the things I can’t afford to give to things and people that do nothing but take.
Debbimouse, over and out.


Everybody’s Human

I think sometimes people forget that everybody is human. They get so caught up in their emotions and pain and hurt and blame that they forget the people who caused it feel exactly the same way.
Ooh some bitch broke your heart? Well she’s at home crying about it too.
Ooh some bastard used you for a one night stand then never called again?
Every night he shakes because he’s so scared of being alone and hurting.
Ooh you lost your job?
Your manager is on the brink of losing the whole business and it’s their family’s home on the line.
Ooh your parents won’t get off your back about studying and sorting your act out?
They hate the life they’ve led, the situation they had to bring you up in because they never studied and they never followed their dreams. They want so much more from life for you.

Listen to me. Just for a moment stop and take it in. The world does not revolve around you and your feelings. Everybody makes mistakes, everyone struggles sometimes, everyone has skeletons in their closet, everybody hurts and cries and lies and breaks. Everything burns and fails and ends.
But that’s okay.
It’s OKAY.
You don’t need to make everything perfect. And nobody else does either. Learn how to forgive and forget and let go. You’ll never be happy if you’re always looking for someone to blame. Sometimes nobody was at fault.

This is particularly true of love.
Recently I’ve had a handful of male friends who I valued deeply fall out with me because they felt something I didn’t and have accused me of using them, leading them on, breaking their heart etc etc. No. You broke your own heart with false hopes. I promised you nothing. Sometimes you forget that I am only human too and your words hurt me. Show a little compassion, like I tried to do for you. It’s nobody’s fault, sometimes things just happen. I don’t have all the answers but I do have a solution or a coping message.
Let go of your pride.
Let go of your “right”.
Sometimes everybody is wrong.
Don’t dwell on it because it’s okay.
It’s all going to be okay.
So just let go.

Debbimouse, over and out.

P.S. A fantastic friend of mine Wolfe is looking for some new viewers! He’s a brilliant read, combination of dry humour, sarcasm and heartfelt honesty. Check him out!

I won’t apologise for being me.

Never back down when life gets difficult. Never give up when it stops being easy. To misquote Shakespeare, “If life be rough with you, be rough with life!” you are never too young or too stupid to chase after your dreams. Light that spark, run that extra mile and live to every last breath in your body. Nobody ever says it’s going to be easy, and you have to fight every damn day like today is your last. Make yourself proud. It doesn’t matter who else is proud of you, but never be a disappointment to yourself. Write for your heart, paint for your dreams and sing for your soul. Dance under that full moon and laugh until you’re breathless. There is no standard of value for life, you will always be “good enough”. No one is ever worthless, find the potential within you. Don’t get drowned in the system, take responsibility for your life. If you fail one goal, set yourself a new one. Nothing is ever the end. The world is full of endless possibility and light. And love. Always love. Love what you do and who you are. You are stronger than the infinitesimal “them”. Stick it to the man. Put down the burdens you carry, don’t run from a past but just leave it behind. Where it belongs. Feel to the extent of every bone and muscle and nerve in your body. And be you. Always you. There’s nothing more noble or fulfilling than finding yourself and gifting it to the world. You are precious. You ARE amazing. You ARE everything you need to be and you can always strive for what you truly want. There is no adversary too great, no mountain too high, no sea too wide. You ARE the human race. Be wonderful. Open your eyes to the wonders that surround you and embrace it. Be the best that you can be. The centre of life is you, your spark, your uniqueness. Live and love and give. Seek that new horizon and chase it.
Be empowered.

Debbimouse (cameoing as an inspirational life guru) over and out. Going to chase my dreams.

Falling in front of buses

Falling in love is like jumping in front of a bus.
Hear me out here.
Have you ever ran in front of a bus? Felt the air rush past you as the huge metal beast misses you by centimeters, shaken with adrenaline, revelled in the way your breath catches. The sheer stupidity of it. That, is what falling in love is like.
Playing the dating game is like dodging traffic. You’re running around, having fun. It’s alright on quiet village lanes, or small town roads. But someday you’re gonna step onto a motorway. And those motherfuckers don’t stop.
I fell in love this week. I wasn’t expecting it. One moment I was skipping through traffic on a well known road, irritating cyclists and winking at traffic wardens when BAM. Out of nowhere this car I’d thought I’d avoided took me out for the count. It was a cream jaguar, a restored classic with leather seats and a pleasant whine to the engine. A niche market car. And lying on that metaphorical tarmac staring up at that metaphorical car, I couldn’t help but notice how damn beautiful it was.
Those first moments when you realise you’ve fallen in love, are filled with shock and wonder. How did this happen? Why? Who could have done this to me? Then you begin to feel the way that speeding car hit you, you feel the difference in your life, the little vibrations. After the shocks worn off you go into hospital for treatment. You enter into negotiations with the jaguar owner for compensation and future agreements and interactions. You tell your friends and confide your doubts, you tell your mother and bring him home for dinner, you float on a haze of love drug. After the treatment completes you try to adjust to normal life again, even though you can feel the way it has changed you. Something in your walk, your smile, your tone of voice, everything you see is different. And you don’t stray near any traffic. Traffic dodging doesn’t even cross your mind. The image of the jaguar is imprinted in your vision, on your heart. And you’ll never be the same again.

Debbimouse is over and out, too full of gooey mush :3

Confessions of a broken hearted slut (poetry edition)

This post is gonna be a little different to my usual stuff. The other night I was thinking about broken hearted slut stuff and decided to write a blog post to get it off my chest. However the result was more like poetry than prose. So while I’ll post it here today, it more likely belongs on my booksie site (look me up- username: honeybee lilico)

Lying awake, alone, again tonight.
’cause you were on my mind.
I’m missing you again tonight,
Wishing I had been more kind.
Wishing I’d had the foresight,
To be a nicer girl.
Instead of loving every minute with you,
I let unpleasant things unfurl.
Wishing I could just call you up,
And apologise one last time.
Wishing I could hear you say “I love you”,
Rather than just echoes in my mind.

I’m lying awake in tears tonight,
It’s quite a regular thing.
The pain in my chest grows strong tonight,
The scars of our brief fling.
Clutching at my necklace,
I’m feeling rather reckless.
But I know it’s best,
To let this rest;
Even when the current state,
Does little to make my pain abate.
And instead I am left to cringe.

I’ll keep lying awake, alone at night,
Maybe to my dying day.
You’ll stay on my lovesick mind tonight,
As if that first kiss was yesterday.
By my recollection,
That first kiss was perfection,
And I don’t want it ever to die.

If I had a choice of beds tonight,
It would be yours that I’d choose.
A chance to try and make it right,
That argument I’ll always lose.
I won’t accept that it’s impossible,
Whilst I know you don’t really try.
I am heavy with the memories lost to us,
Full of endless tears to cry.

Lying awake, alone tonight,
I really should have known.
I don’t want a single word from you,
Not a tear, not a breath, not a groan.
For I know you loved me too.
It’s the thought that gets me through tonight,
When my mind begins to fade.

I’ll leave you alone tonight,
And every day until forever.
You didn’t want this crazy girl,
Who thought herself far too clever.
So I’ll try and grant that heart breaking wish,
And build myself a wall.
Between me and you.
I don’t doubt you’ll build one too.
Brick by brick,
Until there’s nothing left for the two of us,
But my broken heart,
Shattered in the dust,
Lying next to all my memories of you.

Debbimouse, over and out.