Withdrawal

It’s been a while since I wrote down my thoughts, and I think it’s about bloody time. I shouldn’t bottle as much as I do.

The last week, I’ve had a very interesting experience. I stopped taking my antidepressants for five days (long story, but it wasn’t deliberate or purposeful). Now I’ve been on these things since April 2012. That’s a very long time in drug land. At this point, my body has stopped producing serotonin and other happy brain chemicals by itself. So for five days I lived life with no happy buzz, no hormones to help me deal. And fuck me, did it change my perspective on life. Having lived in a drug induced haze, helped along by alcohol for a REALLY long time, it was terrifying and exhilarating to live without it. Mostly terrifying. Like really terrifying. I spent every day crying and having panic attacks and wanting to die, but for the first time in years I could also think fucking clearly. Reality slapped me in the face and rode me up and down the street like a rodeo bull. It said LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING IT? The last three months I’ve just been bumbling along doing the bare minimum I need to get by. eating just enough, sleeping just enough (or not enough mostly), drinking more than I should, smoking like a coal powered power station and doing the absolute least work for university that I could manage.

And I needed that reality check. I needed the screaming down my ear of complete reality unhindered by hormones and drugs to get my shit sorted. It said, why are you at university if you’re not working? Why pay £9000 a fucking year to be lazy? Why drink for no reason when hal the time you don’t even enjoy it? It also said a lot of painful and unnecessary things, so don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER EVER recommend someone going cold turkey off their medication (and I didn’t intend to do so either!). That reality also told me that I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, slutty, bitchy, selfish and a million and one unhelpful things.

So, whilst I’m glad to now be back on drug buffered life, that experience has changed my attitude, because by god did it need changing. Don’t ever for a minute take your own life for granted people. Life is so incredible and precious, so I need to stop wasting it. As do half the rest of the world.

Debbimouse, over and out.

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New Beginnings

So. Here I am. I’m blogging from the IT suite at Falmouth University.
Are you surprised? Did you think I’d make it?
Here I am, two weeks in. I LOVE the work. I love learning again, I love writing again and discussions in classes and broadening my mind to new opinions and new ways of thinking. However, I am worried that this degree will scare me out of writing. I don’t think I want to be a writer anyway, not an author as such. I want to be a critic, or a journalist. And you know what? I reckon I’d be pretty damn good at it. Giving opinions, studying and researching. I’m thriving in this.
Of course, that’s only the one side to life.
What of the underbelly of university life? The all night drinking and orgies?
Well, lets just say last night was the first in 16 days that I didn’t have a single drink and more than four hours sleep. As for the orgies, I’ll keep you guessing 😉
I have to say though, it’s nothing special. Nothing more fun than my nights out back home or at a festival. Drinking is the same the world over, wherever you do it. And all the people gagging for sex kind of repulse me. Not that I’m exactly a nun, or subtle when it comes to being on the pull. But as everyone who reads my blog knows, I am a total screaming hypocrite, and proud!
As much as I am always willing for a crazy night out (house party tonight yeahhhhh) I actually enjoy the lectures and seminars much, much more. This was the best decision I ever made. I don’t miss living with my parents (although I do obviously miss them!), I love meeting new people and making new friends. My house mates are fantastic people, I totally adore them, I’m joining societies and having fun.
My only regret is that I can’t have my best friend with me in all of this. There is definitely some gutpunching that needs to be done around here! I feel like one half of Tom and Jerry, Elizabeth Barrett-Browning without her Robert. My Deni and just become Debbi.
But I solider on, and even without my bffl I’m coping reasonably well with the fact my cuntface ex broke up with me halfway through freshers (BY ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE NO LESS). Nah, he’s not a cunt, just a bit of an idiot and a lot confused. Oh well, he’ll be missing his sexy vixen and I’ll be running up the hills singing WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY (because I love that song) and flirting with anyone I please.
Debbimouse, off to enjoy life, over and out ❤

Everybody’s Human

I think sometimes people forget that everybody is human. They get so caught up in their emotions and pain and hurt and blame that they forget the people who caused it feel exactly the same way.
Ooh some bitch broke your heart? Well she’s at home crying about it too.
Ooh some bastard used you for a one night stand then never called again?
Every night he shakes because he’s so scared of being alone and hurting.
Ooh you lost your job?
Your manager is on the brink of losing the whole business and it’s their family’s home on the line.
Ooh your parents won’t get off your back about studying and sorting your act out?
They hate the life they’ve led, the situation they had to bring you up in because they never studied and they never followed their dreams. They want so much more from life for you.

Listen to me. Just for a moment stop and take it in. The world does not revolve around you and your feelings. Everybody makes mistakes, everyone struggles sometimes, everyone has skeletons in their closet, everybody hurts and cries and lies and breaks. Everything burns and fails and ends.
But that’s okay.
It’s OKAY.
You don’t need to make everything perfect. And nobody else does either. Learn how to forgive and forget and let go. You’ll never be happy if you’re always looking for someone to blame. Sometimes nobody was at fault.

This is particularly true of love.
Recently I’ve had a handful of male friends who I valued deeply fall out with me because they felt something I didn’t and have accused me of using them, leading them on, breaking their heart etc etc. No. You broke your own heart with false hopes. I promised you nothing. Sometimes you forget that I am only human too and your words hurt me. Show a little compassion, like I tried to do for you. It’s nobody’s fault, sometimes things just happen. I don’t have all the answers but I do have a solution or a coping message.
Let go of your pride.
Let go of your “right”.
Sometimes everybody is wrong.
Don’t dwell on it because it’s okay.
It’s all going to be okay.
So just let go.

Debbimouse, over and out.

P.S. A fantastic friend of mine Wolfe is looking for some new viewers! He’s a brilliant read, combination of dry humour, sarcasm and heartfelt honesty. Check him out!
http://oldmanwolferants.wordpress.com

I won’t apologise for being me.

Never back down when life gets difficult. Never give up when it stops being easy. To misquote Shakespeare, “If life be rough with you, be rough with life!” you are never too young or too stupid to chase after your dreams. Light that spark, run that extra mile and live to every last breath in your body. Nobody ever says it’s going to be easy, and you have to fight every damn day like today is your last. Make yourself proud. It doesn’t matter who else is proud of you, but never be a disappointment to yourself. Write for your heart, paint for your dreams and sing for your soul. Dance under that full moon and laugh until you’re breathless. There is no standard of value for life, you will always be “good enough”. No one is ever worthless, find the potential within you. Don’t get drowned in the system, take responsibility for your life. If you fail one goal, set yourself a new one. Nothing is ever the end. The world is full of endless possibility and light. And love. Always love. Love what you do and who you are. You are stronger than the infinitesimal “them”. Stick it to the man. Put down the burdens you carry, don’t run from a past but just leave it behind. Where it belongs. Feel to the extent of every bone and muscle and nerve in your body. And be you. Always you. There’s nothing more noble or fulfilling than finding yourself and gifting it to the world. You are precious. You ARE amazing. You ARE everything you need to be and you can always strive for what you truly want. There is no adversary too great, no mountain too high, no sea too wide. You ARE the human race. Be wonderful. Open your eyes to the wonders that surround you and embrace it. Be the best that you can be. The centre of life is you, your spark, your uniqueness. Live and love and give. Seek that new horizon and chase it.
Be empowered.

Debbimouse (cameoing as an inspirational life guru) over and out. Going to chase my dreams.

Late night musings.

Sometimes, I just can’t sleep. And it sucks. I think about everything, dwelling on anything that passes through my mind.
Lately I’ve been increasingly losing that barrier which everybody creates in their mind. I call it the justification barrier. It stops us losing our minds. The justification barrier is there to stop us ever realising how terrible we are. It boosts our self esteem, it whispers that we’re not that bad really, that there are worse people. It speaks of our morals and how we can bend them around to our will. A justification barrier stops us seeing how every tiny little thing we do is hurting someone somewhere. It lets us do what we want without suffering constantly from guilt and anxiety. It uses logic in ways it was never meant to be used, it creates grey areas in black and white situations. It explains away thoughtless actions, it makes everything NOT OUR FAULT.
Living without it is terrifying. I am constantly racked by guilt, but I can’t seem to stop behaving badly. I feel every minuscule consequence of my actions, and we all know I have seriously poor judgement at times.
But at the same time, living without the justification barrier can be incredibly freeing. It’s a strange feeling to be able to say, “I don’t know why I did that terrible thing, I just did it without thought or logic.” Most of what we do is justified after it’s done, not before. Our actual behaviour is 60% random chance and 40% situation. It’s a feeling of being totally out of control yet more behind the wheel then ever before. It’s living in the truth instead of fooling yourself about who and what you are. It’s riding that bike with no handlebars, hurtling downhill in the dark with no lights to guide your way, it’s whooping with the sheer joy of feeling life to the full.
But just sometimes at night, the guilt and fear and anxiety catches up with me.

Apologising for the weird post, Debbimouse is over and out.