Payphone

All day today that song “Payphone” has been stuck in my head. You know it- ‘I’m at a payphone trying to go home all of my change I’ve spent on you where did the time go baby I’m so cold where are the plans we made for two’ etc. It’s a depressing song, but it also really speaks to me.
It’s how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve had this aching wish and longing to go somewhere I feel at home, but I’ve never found it. It’s why I’ve tangled myself in a stream of bad relationships. I’ve been looking for something safe and comforting, something like a home. I keep paying out every part of me, giving out my time and compassion, my friendship, my love, my body amd whatever else I have to give to those who need it. But it’s never enough. I keep giving and giving but nothing ever seems to fill this hole I have inside. I feel like an emotional wormhole. Nothing sticks, nothing is ever enough. I have faced all kinds of horrors, all kinds of trials. I have been heartbroken, beaten, raped, homeless, penniless, cast adrift and every kind of lost and hurt and broken. I stand in this storm and sometimes it feels like it will never end. This song line resonates with me ‘all these fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I’ll be sick’. That’s how I feel tonight. Today. For a while now.
I need to start writing again. Not just this blog, but also on my poetry site. I need to finish my short stories. I need to paint my pain. I need to sing and dance again. Because lately I’ve been letting myself stagnate into a pit of misery and inaction. I need to reclaim my self, my soul, my heart.
It’s time to stop paying out the things I can’t afford to give to things and people that do nothing but take.
Debbimouse, over and out.

I won’t apologise for being me.

Never back down when life gets difficult. Never give up when it stops being easy. To misquote Shakespeare, “If life be rough with you, be rough with life!” you are never too young or too stupid to chase after your dreams. Light that spark, run that extra mile and live to every last breath in your body. Nobody ever says it’s going to be easy, and you have to fight every damn day like today is your last. Make yourself proud. It doesn’t matter who else is proud of you, but never be a disappointment to yourself. Write for your heart, paint for your dreams and sing for your soul. Dance under that full moon and laugh until you’re breathless. There is no standard of value for life, you will always be “good enough”. No one is ever worthless, find the potential within you. Don’t get drowned in the system, take responsibility for your life. If you fail one goal, set yourself a new one. Nothing is ever the end. The world is full of endless possibility and light. And love. Always love. Love what you do and who you are. You are stronger than the infinitesimal “them”. Stick it to the man. Put down the burdens you carry, don’t run from a past but just leave it behind. Where it belongs. Feel to the extent of every bone and muscle and nerve in your body. And be you. Always you. There’s nothing more noble or fulfilling than finding yourself and gifting it to the world. You are precious. You ARE amazing. You ARE everything you need to be and you can always strive for what you truly want. There is no adversary too great, no mountain too high, no sea too wide. You ARE the human race. Be wonderful. Open your eyes to the wonders that surround you and embrace it. Be the best that you can be. The centre of life is you, your spark, your uniqueness. Live and love and give. Seek that new horizon and chase it.
Be empowered.

Debbimouse (cameoing as an inspirational life guru) over and out. Going to chase my dreams.