What if nothing is wrong? What if yours is the fantasy? Why shouldn't I lie in bed? Why can't you let me be? Get up, go to school Get up, wash your hair Cheer up, you're not alone Cheer up, no need to be scared Smile, it's easy Smile, just pretend at least. Be happy Like sadness is a disease Don't be yourself That's too scary for me Be happy Like sadness is a disease It's easy to be alone When you're a misery smile, it's easy smile, just pretend for me What if I don't wanna be me? What if I'm scared of what people say? What if they say nothing at all? Why can't you just stay? Get up, you gotta put some clothes on Get up, say that you're okay Cheer up, you're scaring me Cheer up, it's a nice day Smile, it's easy Smile, at least pretend for me Be happy Like sadness is a disease Don't be yourself That's too scary for me Be happy Like sadness is a disease It's easy to be alone When you're a misery smile, it's easy smile, just pretend for me no no no, I'm never alone no no no, I wish I was no no no, it's never easy to smile
It’s been far too long since I’ve been on this site and I aim to rectify this in the coming weeks.
But this post I’m afraid will be something of a downer. Those looking forward to life guru/naked baking/crazy feminist posts will have to wait.
Lately I have been struggling increasingly with my depression. Every day I fight an internal battle for my sanity. I fight to get up in the morning, I fight to allow myself to eat, I fight to interact with people and I fight to sleep at the end of the day.
And I’m losing.
I’ve been pushing everyone away. I don’t know how to communicate with people anymore without burdening them with the weight I carry. Nothing seems right at the moment. I let conversations fall short. I stay inside and lose myself in a book, unable to face reality. I turn all of my pain and hurt and fear inside.
I feel like I’m dying.
But I’m writing this post not just to release some of my burden, but also as a message. Anyone out there who knows someone with depression, this is for you.
You don’t know how they feel. It is a private battle, different for everyone. And you can’t fix them. You can’t save them. All you can do is give them hope. A little hope to get them through. Send a text saying “have a good Tuesday!” for no reason at all. Hug them, bake them cakes. Don’t nag them or try and drag them out when they can’t face the world and don’t take it personally if they avoid you. Try to be patient, they’ll come back to you in time. People with depression both have so much love to give and so little, at the same time. Treasure anything they do for you and try to understand the effort it cost them. Have compassion. Never offer advice. Listen and show them your heart is open.
That’s what we need.
What I need.
Depression makes you feel horribly alone and makes us act selfishly. We fight to be ourselves but it’s like all of the goodness in us is slowly being sucked down a drain. It’s exhausting.
I need a holiday from being me.
Debbimouse, over and out.