Withdrawal

It’s been a while since I wrote down my thoughts, and I think it’s about bloody time. I shouldn’t bottle as much as I do.

The last week, I’ve had a very interesting experience. I stopped taking my antidepressants for five days (long story, but it wasn’t deliberate or purposeful). Now I’ve been on these things since April 2012. That’s a very long time in drug land. At this point, my body has stopped producing serotonin and other happy brain chemicals by itself. So for five days I lived life with no happy buzz, no hormones to help me deal. And fuck me, did it change my perspective on life. Having lived in a drug induced haze, helped along by alcohol for a REALLY long time, it was terrifying and exhilarating to live without it. Mostly terrifying. Like really terrifying. I spent every day crying and having panic attacks and wanting to die, but for the first time in years I could also think fucking clearly. Reality slapped me in the face and rode me up and down the street like a rodeo bull. It said LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING IT? The last three months I’ve just been bumbling along doing the bare minimum I need to get by. eating just enough, sleeping just enough (or not enough mostly), drinking more than I should, smoking like a coal powered power station and doing the absolute least work for university that I could manage.

And I needed that reality check. I needed the screaming down my ear of complete reality unhindered by hormones and drugs to get my shit sorted. It said, why are you at university if you’re not working? Why pay £9000 a fucking year to be lazy? Why drink for no reason when hal the time you don’t even enjoy it? It also said a lot of painful and unnecessary things, so don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER EVER recommend someone going cold turkey off their medication (and I didn’t intend to do so either!). That reality also told me that I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, slutty, bitchy, selfish and a million and one unhelpful things.

So, whilst I’m glad to now be back on drug buffered life, that experience has changed my attitude, because by god did it need changing. Don’t ever for a minute take your own life for granted people. Life is so incredible and precious, so I need to stop wasting it. As do half the rest of the world.

Debbimouse, over and out.

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New Beginnings

So. Here I am. I’m blogging from the IT suite at Falmouth University.
Are you surprised? Did you think I’d make it?
Here I am, two weeks in. I LOVE the work. I love learning again, I love writing again and discussions in classes and broadening my mind to new opinions and new ways of thinking. However, I am worried that this degree will scare me out of writing. I don’t think I want to be a writer anyway, not an author as such. I want to be a critic, or a journalist. And you know what? I reckon I’d be pretty damn good at it. Giving opinions, studying and researching. I’m thriving in this.
Of course, that’s only the one side to life.
What of the underbelly of university life? The all night drinking and orgies?
Well, lets just say last night was the first in 16 days that I didn’t have a single drink and more than four hours sleep. As for the orgies, I’ll keep you guessing 😉
I have to say though, it’s nothing special. Nothing more fun than my nights out back home or at a festival. Drinking is the same the world over, wherever you do it. And all the people gagging for sex kind of repulse me. Not that I’m exactly a nun, or subtle when it comes to being on the pull. But as everyone who reads my blog knows, I am a total screaming hypocrite, and proud!
As much as I am always willing for a crazy night out (house party tonight yeahhhhh) I actually enjoy the lectures and seminars much, much more. This was the best decision I ever made. I don’t miss living with my parents (although I do obviously miss them!), I love meeting new people and making new friends. My house mates are fantastic people, I totally adore them, I’m joining societies and having fun.
My only regret is that I can’t have my best friend with me in all of this. There is definitely some gutpunching that needs to be done around here! I feel like one half of Tom and Jerry, Elizabeth Barrett-Browning without her Robert. My Deni and just become Debbi.
But I solider on, and even without my bffl I’m coping reasonably well with the fact my cuntface ex broke up with me halfway through freshers (BY ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE NO LESS). Nah, he’s not a cunt, just a bit of an idiot and a lot confused. Oh well, he’ll be missing his sexy vixen and I’ll be running up the hills singing WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY (because I love that song) and flirting with anyone I please.
Debbimouse, off to enjoy life, over and out ❤